i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
