you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
