PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
