Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
