I accidentally had phone sex last night
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
