i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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