if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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