It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
