im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
