Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
