I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
