I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
