So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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