i permit you to call me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
