apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize