I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
and she was petting her beer can
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
