alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
