I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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