I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
