We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
