My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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