Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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