my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
