We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this just has baby written all over it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
