in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
