allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
