How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You can't motorboat a personality
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
