You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
