allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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