I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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