Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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