I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
