ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
