When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
