mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
