I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
