i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
