I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
