The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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