Just cropdusted the office
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize