I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
