dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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