K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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