Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
