Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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