I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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