Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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