did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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