the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
