I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You are the jesus of drinking
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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