I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
