I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
