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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
