So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
