Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the day after is always just damage control
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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