Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
