don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
