ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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