Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
