I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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