When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
