i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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