listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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