just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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