i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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