went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
