my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
